A Dozen (12) Ways to Remember the Alamo

1. Buy 250 40s of St. Ides and pour out a little of each one for every Texan killed at the Alamo.

2. Rent a luxury coupe from Alamo Rent-a-Car and drive it to a bad neighborhood. Once there, heroically defend it from being carjacked.

3. See something at San Antonio's Alamodome. The next scheduled event is Disney’s High School Musical on Ice, which will be running from March 19th through the 23rd.

4. If you own a sailboat and live in the greater Los Angeles area, avoid propelling your ship with the Santa Ana winds.

5. Come up with a mnemonic device that links the Alamo to an image or phrase that’s already vivid in your memory. This will make it easier than ever to remember the Alamo.

6. Sponsor an orphan from a war-torn African country and rename him Alamo Davy Crockett Mbenge.

7. Put little sombreros on your cats and have them play the Mexican army in your living room reenactment of the Battle of the Alamo.
NOTE: This works best if you are a crazy cat lady who lives with hundreds of cats.

8. Go to your local Tex-Mex restaurant but only order from the Tex portion of the menu.

9. See if you can get charges reinstated against Ozzy Osbourne for the time in 1982 when he got drunk at 11 AM and urinated on the side of the Alamo.

10. Write a series of alternate history novels that take place in a universe where Jim Bowie survives the Battle of the Alamo and years later uses his signature knife to disembowel Hitler before he can rise to power.

11. If you’re a pastry chef, refer to the desserts that come with a scoop of ice cream as being served “A la mo”.

12. Remember it the way you remember everything else: with interpretive dance.

Eleven (11) Notable Days Among FDR's First 100 in Office

1. March 4, 1933: Inauguration Day. Franklin Roosevelt hypocritically overcomes debilitating fear of public speaking to assure country that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

2. March 12, 1933: First Fireside Chat. FDR informs public of his plan to solve the nation’s bank crisis. Upon signing off, hosts weenie roast for cabinet members by same said fireside.

3. March 17, 1933: Franklin and Eleanor’s 28th wedding anniversary. Franklin swears he didn’t forget it and only didn't get Eleanor a present because “there’s a Depression going on.”

4. March 23, 1933: Prohibition repealed. The Brain Trust celebrates by getting smashed on Schlitz Malt Liquor.

5. March 31, 1933: Civilian Conservation Corps established. First task is ridding Secretary of the Interior Harold Ickes’ lawn of gophers.

6. April 6, 1933: Handicapped ramps installed at the White House. FDR finally able to sleep in Lincoln Bedroom rather than in Van Buren tool shed.

7. April 17, 1933: America abandons the gold standard. Franklin’s attempts to abandon the “wearing pants standard” at official state dinners are met with resistance.

8. May 2, 1933: Several “alphabet soup” agencies created, including the Public Works Administration (PWA), the Agricultural Adjustment Administration (AAA) and the National Adjusted Markets Business Loan Administration (NAMBLA).

9. May 18, 1933: Tennessee Valley Authority founded, bringing electricity and prosperity to Appalachia. Inbreeding rates remain unchanged.

10. May 30, 1933: White House movie night. Franklin and Eleanor take in King Kong. Afterwards, FDR declares a state of emergency and pledges unlimited federal aid to ensure New York is never again attacked by giant ape.

11. June 11, 1933: End of the First Hundred Days. FDR enjoys them so much he remains president for an additional 4323 days.

Fifteen (15) Treehouse of Terror Inspired Names for Stops Along the New York City Subway System

1. Brooklyn Bridge-City Maul
2. Disemboweling Green
3. Torture Chambers Street
4. Third Degree Burnside Avenue
5. Goreimer Street
6. Hellam Bay Park
7. 90th Street/Nightmare on Elmhurst Avenue
8. Franklinstein Street
9. Avenue M Is for Murder
10. Snapped Neck Road
11. Off With His Sheepshead Bay
12. Deadford Park Boulevard
13. Killwell Avenue/Boney Island
14. Not-So-Grand Street
15. 81st Street/Museum of Unnatural History

Eight (8) Derogatory Terms for Pilgrims

1. Pumpkin-Eating Shoe-Bucklers
2. Squanto Taunters
3. Atlantic Ocean Wetbacks
4. City Upon a Hill-Billies
5. God-Fearing Cod-Fiends
6. Standish-Offish Jerks
7. Peace Pipe Bogarts
8. New-But-Not-Improved Englanders